Wednesday, June 10, 2009


His memories were hazy, but the clarity was to extent of him not having anything pleasant to fall back upon, and so he was actually clueless as the dark clouds seem to permanently hide his early childhood. His mother who courted insecurity occasionally cleared the dark clouds to help him see the darkness of the past. The reason was probably not to engage her son with unpleasant thoughts but to help him learn from the past and detest those she detested. She systematically injected the poison of the past into her son and soon he was growing up in an atmosphere of vengeance and anger. His own father he did not seem to look up.

Well now, his father immersed in his work and found meaning in what he did outside his home and his slow trudge home was certainly did not have the 'I look forward to going home' gait. He hardly spoke, and when he spoke the decibel levels at home shot up and it resulted in petty embarrassing skirmishes with his wife. The little boy hung on to his mother to provide her with a physical support of being at her side. The father almost all the time backed off.

The relationship with his father was so distant on the physical realm but was remotely connected in the emotional level. He does not remember any touch of love and care. He accepted this, the way any child would accept anything, for they have no choice.

The boy found freedom of sorts and deftly handled the lack of peace at home to chart out his own trip in life. He experimented and dabbled. The city equipped him with access to the social taboos and got him in connected with a variety of friends and acquaintences. Though his life was not set in the mould of a christian family he had acquired the knowledge of true social life, understood the futility of material mindset and could handle the abstract.

Yet his ignorance lay his lack of knowledge of what he had acquired on his own and what the life of a ever moving equilibrium had gifted to him. This lack of knoweldge about his own strength resulted in his erosion of self esteem to the point of nothingness. And it was this ignorance that made him fall on his antiquated family values and embraced the marital course by placating the divine very assiduously.

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